Over My Head

Well after a few very gray days, it is fun to have something completely different today. I do like the gray. Yesterday’s clouds had some great texture and were beautiful to look at. Today certainly is not cloudless. It is mostly blue sky over the water with lots of fluffy and shapely clouds off in the distance that look really cool. We also have a stiff westerly breeze blowing that is stirring up the water.

I do my typical mental back and forth of should I swim or not swim and it is not a difficult decision at all. It’s beautiful outside, my work schedule is not crazy and, with this west wind, lets get in the water before it gets any colder. My last meeting ends at 9:30 and I am out the door by 9:45.

On the way to the beach, I am liking everything that I see. Coming down Selva Road, I can clearly see Catalina and the row of white, crisp clods are just above it. Only blue sky between those clouds and the beach. I think this wind is clearing up the air. Everything looks so clear and crisp.

I get to the beach and there is a lot of texture on the water but it does not look crazy choppy. I’m sure this is going to be a bumpy ride today, but not harrowing - not that there is anything wrong with harrowing. Also it is fun to say the word harrowing. It is an under used word for sure.

I park and head down the stairs. The water looks so dark today. I love how the same body of water can look so very different on different days and even wildly different colors. I mean it’s never purple or red but it can be all sorts of different shades of blue, grey, or some green. It’s dark dark blue today. I get to the shore and I am just loving the clouds lining the edge of the northern coast above Laguna. They are so white and look more solid than vaporous.

I step into the water. There is a body boarder on my left and a fisherman on my right. I’m trying to raise my left foot off the ocean floor whenever stepping into a wave to protect my recovering Achilles. It is definitely feeling better today than this time last week. Even more importantly, when I kick off the floor to start swimming, I do so only with my right foot. Water feels a bit cooler than yesterday but still comfortable.

I swim south and there is a lot of bouncing around here. It looks like a pool during a large swim team practice. I do love a nice calm ocean surface and would choose that any time if given a choice, but this is fun and exciting and I’m wholly into it. At the south end of the beach, it is even more bouncy.

I have been wondering how the north bound leg will go. With the current coming from the west, it’s bound to be very much in the face. It’s ok. I’m ready for this. It’s actually not as bad as I anticipated. I take in easily more air than water. This swim is a joy. I love this feeling of being in the water and having it slosh all about me. It reminds me of something that has been bouncing around in my thoughts all last night and this morning.

I often try to make some sense of my marriage that I left 18 months ago. It was 33 years of my life - more than half. I have not even come close to making sense of it. You talk to some people about their failed marriage and they can give you this nice elevator pitch about why they left. I can’t do it. I can’t even give it to myself. There are so many emotions and memories and they are not all bad and I just end up confused trying to come up with some kind of coherent story line. It’s like this water sloshing all around and completely unsettled. All I can rest on is this: I have to honor how I feel. I knew I had to leave in order to keep afloat. The water had been rising for years and it had finally reached my head.

I so wish it could have all been different. I understand a lot more about my feelings now than I did when I got married let alone 5 years ago. If I would have recognized and honored my feelings then, I think I would have made better choices - better choices for me, better choices for my ex-wife, and better choices for my kids. In the midst of this ocean turmoil, my feelings rest in the center of my body. I know what I feel. I know what feels right. I know where I want to go here and I know what I need to do to get there. There really isn’t much for me to do. I just have to keep moving. I HAVE to keep moving. I am largely at the mercy of this ocean. It seems like it is on my side. I look around me and it appears like I am making progress towards my desired destination. It’s not a smooth ride, but I am getting there.