Rewardable Work

More May Gray out today. If fact it looks just a little wet on my balcony. There was a low chance of light rain forecasted for the morning and looks like we got a little. I’m choosing to ignore it as I plan to swim a little later this morning. Surely this is not enough precipitation to pollute the ocean. I am not an expert here and I embrace my ignorance all the way to the beach.

I’m meeting up with my new friend today who is working on growing her comfort level with the ocean. So I leave my apartment at about 9:45. Despite the clouds, it is pleasant out and I’m sure the water will be pleasant too. Water temperatures have rebounded nicely since earlier in the week and we are pretty much back to where we were a week ago - 64/65. I’m just hoping to beat the stronger onshore winds, but even if I don’t, it will be good.

I get to the parking lot and soon meet my friend who admits she is feeling less than thrilled to be here but wants to achieve her ocean comfort goals enough to get herself here. We talk about this for a bit because I know exactly where she is coming from. I’ve been doing this for almost exactly 6 years and I still have days, lots of days, where I wonder why on earth I would want to get in the water, but I do it because I know how great it will make me feel.

This is totally different from some ego trip where you force yourself to do something you don’t want to do because it is going to bring some outcome that will make you look better or seem cooler or just give yourself the impression that you have done the “right” and rewardable work for the day. No. I come to the beach and get in the water because I know it will feed my spirit. I may not feel particularly hungry on the drive over and on the walk to the shore. It may not be until I am actually wet, that I realize just how hungry I am. I think we are all hungry. I know the ocean can satisfy this hunger.

Last night as I was driving home from dropping my son off at his mom’s, I was feeling particularly exhausted physically and emotionally. I started to call into question if I really enjoy swimming in the ocean. Is this something that I do from my heart or is it just something that I feel supports some self constructed image I have of myself? Am I just crafting a narrative of myself as ocean lover and waterman because I find it aesthetically appealing and conforms to an image that I would like to project out to the world? Maybe I should stop this nonsense or at lease take a break to find out.

Well it does not take long for me to turn around. I remember what the ocean has taught me over these past half a dozen years and what it has made me feel. The beach feels like a best friend that has remained by my side through very trying times. It is always there - always. I can count on it to be exactly what I need and exactly what it is. I remember how it has transformed my relationship with my body. I recall the oh so many metaphors it has used to teach me about my life and how I live it. I remember what the water has taught me about my own breath and how that breath regulates how I relate with everything around me. No. I think I will not be stopping. I think I will keep swimming.

We walk down to the beach. The water is fairly calm. There are swimmers coming into shore. I chat with a pair for a few minutes. One topic that comes up is those stinging sensations I have been experiencing with higher frequency the last couple weeks. They think it is Jellyfish larvae. That is very interesting. I head out into the water. More swimmers are coming in. I am swimming north today and I keep passing more swimmers. Wow. I don’t usually see so many. I come within inches of colliding with one who is swimming back stroke. The water feels good. It’s about the same as I remember from Friday. I feel like the temperature keeps bumping up and down a degree. It gets slightly cooler and then slightly warmer every minute or so.

It’s so gray out and my goggles keep fogging up that I feel like I am swimming nearly blind. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I just need to pause a bit longer every now and then to make sure I keep a lock on that Monarch Bay Beach Club. It is grey all around me - above, below, in front, and behind. It’s a good grey. Is it grey or gray? I don’t know and I am too lazy to look it up. I feel enshrouded by a warmth and a safety that is looking out for me.

I’m feeling good on this swim. I’m feeling full of gratitude for some social connections I have been fostering lately. I am very much an introvert and I have not cultivated many friendships over recent (or not so recent) years. I exited a 35 year marriage about a year and a half ago that was largely my one and only non blood family relationship. Yesterday, someone in a friend group I have been in for the last year asked me to help them move. I was so touched they would ask me this. Last night I chatted with a new friend I made through Facebook and has become a “real life” friend. This morning, I enjoy visiting with my new friend (also met on Facebook) and also enjoy chatting with the other ocean swimmers who I have come to recognize over the years. I feel connected or at least like I am starting to connect. I just let this feeling toss and turn and roll around inside me through the whole swim and it is a very good feeling.