Damaged Filter

I leave just a couple minutes after 10:00. Skies are overcast with a thin layer of cool liquidy clouds. I’m sure there are some scientific terms that would better describe the different kinds of clouds I see, but I will leave the discovery of those terms as an exercise for the reader. There are big puffy clouds, hazy wispy clouds, and clouds like these that have some mass to them but seem light and watery and are luminescent and filled with all sorts of shades of gray. I like them.

The air is mild and judging by the data from the buoys, the water should be warm too. This is confirmed as soon as I put my feet in the water. There is about the same amount of surf in the water as there was yesterday. I get to the outer edge of the breaking waves and enjoy a few minutes of letting them roll and break just over my head and then watch their back sides from beneath the surface shine like silver rolls of liquid carpet.

I swim south and try to let my mind settle but it’s super hard today. I’ve been out of sorts since I woke up this morning. I’m frustrated with myself, God, and life circumstances. I know I don’t have much to complain about compared to the majority of other humans in the world. Not many people can be doing what I am doing right now and would be so grateful for the opportunity to do it just once. I have been doing it every day these last couple weeks.

I’m trying to build a new life for myself. I’m trying to make my way to the other side of the Jordan. I’m praying for guidance and trying to pay attention to everything going on around me to see where the path is heading and keep on the trail. Why do I error so sharply sometimes over things I prayed and meditated so earnestly over? How can I discern God’s voice over emotional frenzy or absolute silence? I think of times in my past where others have told me what God has told them and I stand here today knowing that was anything but God’s voice talking to them. I have so many memories of previous church life where people said God is telling me to do such and such and then such and such either ends up being totally bogus or it ends up seriously damaging others. But they were SO convinced. Also, they were not psychopaths. At least they were no more crazy than most of us.

For a long time after that churchy part of my life, I completely wrote off any idea that some external entity was telling people what to do. I didn’t want to have anything to do with it. I figured life was just filled with randomness. If someone would tell me, and they would, that everything happens for a reason, I’d just smile and think very much otherwise.

I think differently now and I’m not going to explain how and why but I think it is all way more mysterious and complicated than either complete randomness or that some hand exists ever beside us to guide us along every twist and turn of life’s path. If we could access some kind of onboard navigational system for every dilemma in life, what would be the point of our existence? How would we learn and grow? All I can do is the best I can with the damaged human filter that I have and plod forward down this road and hope that I end up where I need to be and survive the many slips and falls along the way.