Wretched

I leave for the beach at about 9:00. Its cloudy skies and as I drive down Selva towards the ocean, I can see dark shadows over the water creating a rather dramatic seascape filled with variations of silver and grey light.

Once I reach the sand and my feet make contact with the water, I am delighted with the warm water. It feels cool to the touch but to someone like myself who has grown hyper sensitive to the tactile experience of ocean water, it’s easy to run through the conversion tables in my head and calculate just how this water will feel in about five minutes. The result is somewhere in the pretty fucking awesome range or the industry standard anacronym - PFA.

From the shore these clouds, especially to the north over Laguna Niguel, look super dramatic and cool. It feels kind of monsoonish. I mean I prefer sunshine and am really missing it lately. I was just looking back on my recent posts and my last swim in the sun was on July 11, 11 days ago and also my birthday. That was a great birthday present! Anyways, regardless of my fondness for the sun, these clouds are pretty great. I will admit that clouds make for a much more interesting sky to look at. It’s just that you can’t beat how the sun makes you feel. In the end, I think we all want to feel good.

So I get in the water and the surf is even smaller than yesterday and it was pretty small yesterday. I let myself fall forward and start to swim. The water looks clearer than it did yesterday and it looked fairly clear yesterday. I can see the individual grains of sand on this shallow ocean floor. There are stray bits of floating seaweed and occasional rock outcroppings covered in dancing kelp.

I am swimming south today. Through this thick cloudy sky I see a hole and the sun is poking through. It shines this ray of light here on the water’s surface that looks cool and almost out of place. It’s like the glimmer of light that got away. I stop to take a picture and then look around and before I resume swimming, the hole mends itself and the sun is nowhere to be seen. I wonder, will this all burn off? Spoiler alert: no it doesn’t.

I eventually reach the southern end of the beach just below the headlands. The surf is relatively calm and the water is clear and I start to swim out toward the end of the point just to see what I can see. I unfortunately don’t have the time for a propper excursion but I at least want to explore some of the nearby shallow rocks.

For the first time this summer, I see several schools of corbina fish. The rocks here are fun to swim around and are covered in kelp that sways with the ebbing and flowing of the small swell. I look out toward the end of the point and see a flock of Pelicans flying around it from the other side and turning in to hug the side of the bluff. They are all flying in one big long line and fly right over me. It’s so cool and perfect.

I realize I have been out here for a while and need to get a move on so I start to head north and try to veer a bit more towards the beach because I am quite a ways out right now. I swim and I swim and I swim and am just so enjoying this warm water. I am sure there must be some fundamentalist religious group that would consider this swim sinful. Lately I have been getting these Reddit alerts on my phone from posts in the Christianity group. These post titles have questions like, “is masturbation a sin?” and “did Jesus condemn homosexuality?” and “I just can’t quit porn.” I want to figure out how to get out of this Christianity group because these posts sadden and anger me. These posters want so much to be good and be loved and struggle with feeling that they are disgusting or an abomination. If everyone put so much effort in doing the right thing, the world would be a far better place. Instead, I get the feeling these questions are coming from being told that they are not enough. As I swim out here in the water and experience the love of nature I get the sense that the fears these posters have are so so unfounded and the last thing any God or creator of all of this that I see would want them to feel is wretched for having the feelings they are feeling.

I’m still pretty far out even though I keep trying to re-aim myself to the east. The upside of this is that I may intersect with the Death Star buoy. I swear I must keep this in the back of my subconscious which comes equipped with its own navigational system that holds the exact coordinates of that buoy. I pop my head out of the water and look around and there it is just 10 feet in front of me. Not only that, but I am suddenly surrounded by cheers and hollers of a jr. high aged group of about 30 to 50 kids on paddle boards. It all feels so surreal yet tremendously delightful. I’m not sure they see me. I’m certainly nothing interesting to look at, but I can’t miss seeing and hearing them. Boy I sure hope my 4 year old son gets into this program someday. I think he would love it and I’d love to see him have this experience.

I swim past the buoy and stop at a nearby leaning tree of kelp. As I am staring at the foliage a large Calico Bass comes swimming right out of it and hovers just beneath me. Again, the first bass I have seen this season. Actually I did see one yesterday but not until I was home and looking at my pictures.

I am near at the north end of the beach and am trying to swim more east than north now. Finally I pivot to head south toward my final destination. As I look around I can still hear those kids laughing and having what sounds like the time of their lives. I can’t tell from this distance exactly what they are doing but I see small figures climbing over what looks like a pile of bodies that are very much alive.

I’m getting closer and closer to the end of the swim and every time I stop to catch my bearings, I can hear those kids loud and clear. You got to love the beach and water. Those kids don’t have any electronics on them or any fancy equipment and they are just enjoying being here right now with each other. Maybe there is a fundamentalist group that sees evil in that but I’d have to suggest they try on a different pair of glasses.

I swim through the nearly waveless shallows and am soon walking amongst the living. The lifeguard station is now open and has 70 degrees posted for the water temperature. Ok. This is definitely better than yesterday’s 66 posting. 70 I can believe.