Feel All the Feels
I left a little after 9:30 this morning. Skies are cloudy here in Dana Point. Should I continue to mention this in these posts? Of course they were cloudy. Just like they were cloudy yesterday and the day before that and the day before that all the way back to the dawn of time. It has never not been cloudy. What else would it be? What is the word for not cloudy? Exactly. No one knows. Anyways, the beach is about the loveliest place I can imagine being this morning so off I go.
There is a crew working on the fence that keeps the riff raff like me from wondering from the public stairs into the private Niguel Shores parking lot. It has been in disrepair for years. God only knows how long it has been up and its all corroded and some of the bars are completely missing. Thank you salty air. I have to say that the repair work looks a little half assed for lack of a better term. With all the money in these communities, they can’t afford a new fence? They are just reinforcing various sections with ugly cross beams. Whatever. It’s not like I really pay attention to the fence. The ocean kind of steals the show. It just strikes me as a little amusing if anything.
On the beach, the lifeguard station is just opening up and working on the board where they post the day’s “numbers” like wave height, water temperature, etc. The jr. lifeguards are marching down the beach escorted by their instructors. It all looks like a good time.
The water feels about the same as yesterday - great. The waves are even smaller. I’d say last week’s swell is pretty much gone. There is a light south wind putting a little ruffle on the water. I’ve been heavily debating with myself which direction to swim today. I did south yesterday so north seems like the natural option. It can take a little longer but I’m not so time constrained where that is a major issue.
I get in the water and it is all so nice and it also looks particularly clear today. I can clearly see the bottom over much of the swim. I’m also swimming a little closer to shore today so the water is more shallow and that obviously makes it easier to see the ocean floor. I’m not trying to stay inshore but with the smaller waves, I think I subconsciously remain closer to shore because there is just no pressing need to remain further out to avoid larger breaking waves.
I am trying to totally relax my mind out here and just give myself over to the water. I’m feeling a lot of tension in the crevaces of my brain. The WebMD website doesn’t have anything to say about this but surrendering to the ocean should probably be the first bullet point in the self-treatment section. I’m feeling particularly stressed and uncertain in some key aspects of my life. I don’t seem to have access to any immediate answers. Or maybe I do and the PIN is located somewhere underneath one of these rocks.
For now, I just don’t know what to do to best navigate through this passage of my life. Trying to think harder and just figure it out is not proving a viable approach. I pray for direction and feel like I am met with radio silence. Why can’t God or whoever just freaking tell me what to do? Better yet, why cant these problems just go away? I tend to think I am meant to learn something through all of this and looking to the back of the book for the answer would not be ultimately helpful. I need to actually complete the passage. As I swim out here looking for truth in the stillness, one message seems to make its way through: I am safe and I am guided and I am loved. Ok maybe that was three. Anyways I ponder how would our decisions and behavior differ if we could live our lives knowing we are safe? Sure, maybe there will be cuts and bruises along the way, but at our very core we are safe. At the end of all of this, we walk away with our whole selves.
I mull over the phrase “I am safe” like polishing a rosary bead with my fingertips. This gives me comfort somehow. It doesn’t require me to do anything. It just asks me to adjust my belief. I think by adjusting my belief, behavior may naturally follow. It turns out, adjusting a belief is super hard. At least that’s my experience. Maybe that’s why this passage is difficult and I’m not being given word for word navigational instructions. If that were to happen, I don’t think my beliefs would change. They wouldn’t need to. I have to live these experiences and feel all of the feels. I actually think that is why we are here. We have to feel what life is putting in front of us.
Ok ok. Blah blah blah. The swim is quite great. I swear this water feels tropical. It is utterly delightful. As I am getting close to the finish, I see what looks like a little triangle below me. It dawns on me that this is probably a Sting Ray or some kind of a Ray. I dive below the surface and try not to make it speed off and sure enough it is absolutely a ray. I think it is the first I have seen this summer.
I finish up the swim swimming in as close to shore without looking ridiculous. I’m not sure if I succeed. I push myself to my feet in ankle deep water. I start my ascent towards the stairs. The lifeguards have posted the water temperature now - 66 degrees. No. No no no no no. It is NOT 66 degrees. What went wrong? On Saturday they posted 70 which is much closer to the truth. Then it occurs to me that Surfline.com still has 66 as the local water temperature but they only update that like once a week. I’m willing to bet that the lifeguard just copied from Surfline. Where is the rigor?
