Proxy for God

Well here we are. I have swam 3 times since my last post on Friday. It’s just been impossible to keep up with the posts. Each one takes at least 2 to 3 hours and I just need to start refusing to not swim simply because I don’t want to be committed to publish a post that maybe two people will read. I do love writing these posts. They are mostly for myself. I find the act of writing about the swim immensely rewarding. I just need to be more lenient with myself and let myself swim and and attend to other work that needs to get done if necessary.

So what do I do here? Do I just skip those last two swims and pretend like they didn’t happen? They were fantastic swims. Somehow I need to talk about them - more for myself than anyone else. Not only were they all amazing from a purely visually aesthetic standpoint, they were truly meaningful each in their own intimately spiritual way.

So the first swim was on Saturday. It was particularly special because I was swimming in San Clemente. I will likely be swimming there more and more since that is where my girlfriend Tracey lives. It’s very nice swimming. Tracey lives in a condo on the bluff above a surf break known to locals as 204. It’s named after a railroad sign that simply says “204.” I’m sure that means something to someone. It’s located just south of North Beach and about a mile north of the pier.

Other than the fact that I am staying at Tracey’s, I am keen to swim here over my usual swim home at Strands in Dana Point because I suspect it will be easier to get in and out of the water. This usually is not a problem at all at Strands. However, tropical storm Marie ended up moving quite a bit of sand and leaving a largely cobble covered beach where the waves break right on the rocks even during lower tides. It’s doable given the smaller surf but 204 provides a much softer floor. While the water still comes up all the way to the rocks. Even at higher tides, the main break at 204 is further offshore and the bottom is entirely soft sand.

So I swim north past North Beach and towards Poche beach. There’s a beautiful sun filled sky and a large flock of birds lounging on the water out here past the surf. The surface is smooth and the entire swim is just so peaceful. I use this time in the water as my morning meditation. I try to relax my breath and my mind. I find my thoughts resting on something that has been rubbing against my psyche for a couple weeks and it is all the more on my mind since last night.

I would usually try to be more coy or subtle about this but I am going to just say it because I think it matters: I’ve been learning a lot from sex lately. I’m 58 years old and have become sexually active after being dormant for many years. I had actually wondered if I would ever have sex again and I wasn’t sure if that would necessarily be so terrible. Well in the last couple months I have probably had more sex than I have had in decades. This has been frightening and wonderful - mostly wonderful. I’ve come to find out that older bodies respond differently than they did when they were young for both men and women. You will be happy to know that I will not go into detail here, but this has been a journey - a most wonderful journey.

Anyways, here is what this all makes me ponder. If I can truly relax my mind and my body during sex, everything seems to flow better. If I let go of my expectations of what I think an orgasm is supposed to look like or exactly when it is supposed to occur or even if it supposed to happen at all, everything flows surprisingly better for all parties. If I let my body relax and stop tensing it up and remember to breathe, the result is also a much better experience. This fascinates me. It is like swimming in cold water where I can adjust my mindset and observe my body physically respond in a much more efficacious manner.

This all makes me wonder, how does this carry over from sex to plain old daily living. I think it carries over very much so. I think that cultivating an ability to relax and engage with what is actually happening as opposed to what I want it to be or what I am afraid it might become is the key to a better life. This is actually something that has been on my mind for years now - much longer than I have been having sex. Maybe it was the sex that suddenly made it more real. In normal life, it seemed to make sense. I felt like I have been receiving signals from a variety of sources hinting that this is true. However, sex has delivered this message in a very concrete and observable manner. And now that I have witnessed this phenomenon in a physical act, it seems easier to embody it psychologically.

So here I am in the water and I am wondering, what could my life be like if I truly relax the way that I posture myself towards the world I walk in? What could happen if I let go of the expectations I cling so tightly to. Ok, maybe I don’t let go entirely but at least soften my grip with the option to let go if that seems right. And it might just seem right a lot. How would my life flow forward if I allow myself to observe what is happening more than exercising my will towards a specific outcome. It might be good. It might be really really good. I have already seen how concepts in the water translate well outside of the water. Perhaps the same holds true for the bed.

The rest of the swim is delightful. I swim north almost to poche. I swam there the last time I swam up this way and it is a long swim. I’m several houses short of Poche Beach and I realize I’d rather be spending the day with Tracey than swimming miles and miles so I turn around and it is still well farther than two miles I am sure. I come to shore at low tide. A woman is watching the water from below the railroad tracks and when I pass her she comments on how high the water is here even at low tide. I agree with her even though I really can’t speak from experience because I do not swim here regularly. However if this is anything like my home beach, then I am sure this is true.

So that’s the San Clemente swim and me embarrassing myself talking about sex. Next I swim here at strands yesterday (Monday). I was tempted to drive to Tracey’s and swim again from that soft sandy floor but I thought it would at least be interesting to see if things had changed at all on the shore at the Strand. I left for the beach at high tide so however things end up, they can’t get any worse during my swim. I also figure if things are particularly unruly, I’ll walk on the rocks above to where the beach is more plentiful at the northern end.

As I am walking down the final asphalt road and round the last bend, after which you can finally see the shore, I am surprised and delighted to see a beach. An actual sandy floor providing safe passage to my starting spot - wonderful! This makes me quite happy. Perhaps unreasonably so but I allow myself to enjoy it.

The sky is mostly overcast but there is a glimmer of sunlight shining directly on the point at the end of Monarch Beach and it is beautiful and golden and gives me hope that light will spread south. I swim north because that is where most of the light is. By the time I get to the lifeguard tower below the ritz, that light seems to have dwindled and it is darker now than when I started. It’s still very nice. The water’s surface is smooth and the visibility is better than it has been in several swims. It is amazingly comfortable in this warm water and I thoroughly enjoy myself.

Last week I remember pausing on my swim and feeling a sense of love in the water. So now I ask myself, if the ocean were alive and sentient and capable of communicating, what might it be saying? I don’t strongly believe that the ocean has these abilities, nor do I strongly believe that it doesn’t. What I do believe is that there is something greater than ourselves that wants to connect with us. I’d bet that this something is impossible for us to visualize or imagine with any kind of accuracy. I certainly do not think it maters if we visualize it correctly. I would wager than any number of natural environmental entities (oceans, wind, volcanos, etc) can be used as a conduit by our imaginations to connect us with what we might describe as the divine. So I will choose the ocean as my proxy for God.

Over the majority of yesterday’s swim, I try to sense with my intuition, what the ocean would say to me. How would it choose to address me? How would it suggest I proceed through all of life’s little and big challenges? I think it would speak in a tone of love. I think that it would suggest that I trust in it for everything that I need but also suggest that I keep trying and keep moving forward. I think it would tell me that everything will be alright. I think it would say that I don’t need to sweat every little detail quite as much as I do. I think it would tell me that there just isn’t any need to worry. I think it would suggest that I feel my way in the direction of the light. I try to imagine in my mind’s eye, my heart connecting with the heart of the ocean and I can feel these transmissions come through.

And now we arrive at today. It’s similar to yesterday except the sky is clear. It’s absolutely gorgeous. Like yesterday, there is sufficient beach even at high tide. There is not enough to lay down a beach towel but enough to walk without being completely pummeled against rocks.

Earlier today as I was walking my dog through the parking lot, I ran into the 7:00 swim crew and chatted with them for a bit. They mentioned that, thanks to the warmer ocean temperatures, a venomous sea snake had been spotted in Crystal Cove north of Laguna Beach. Yikes. I’m not sure I wanted to hear about that and of course I am thinking of that on my swim. I have several other stressors on my mind. One of which is the fact that I have not been publishing these posts. So I return to the practice of tuning into the ocean and listening to what it might have to say. It’s more of the same thing. It feels good to hear. I believe that salvation lies in my ability to believe these words.