Why Repeat a Bad Thing?

Well we gained an hour last night. Thank you daylight savings. I considered waking an hour early to spend the hour actually doing things. However when I woke briefly at 3:00, the folly of that idea became clear.

I get up at 4:30 and feel fairly rested from 7 hours sleep. Skies look overcast from what I can make out from the lighter than usual skies. I get through my usual morning routine and I am ready to go at about 6:45. The conditions look good except surf is a little larger than I prefer but still fine. Surfline says Strands is 3-5 and Salt Creek is 4-6. I used to think nothing if those numbers. You would think that the longer I do this and more experienced I become, the more comfortable I would be in larger surf. However, the opposite is true. Basically the more unpleasurable experiences I have had in larger surf, the less I want to be in said surf. However, when I try to recollect these unpleasurable experiences, I can probably count them on one hand compared to the hundreds of swims I have taken and the last bad episode was years ago now. Still, why repeat a bad thing?

Well I am committed. I am determined to swim today. I have not swam in two days and I may not swim tomorrow so I just feel like I gotta get out there, and I can’t in good conscience call off a swim because of 3-5 foot surf.

Despite the clouds and lack of direct sunlight, it’s fairly comfortable out. I walk down the stairs and I listen to the surf. It doesen’t sound particularly intimidating. I can definitely see waves making their way toward shore but nothing too freaky. In fact, once I reach the beach, things seem fairly flattish. I see these guys heading down to the water with their surfboards and they look like children. If they can do this, God knows I can. I see another 20 or 30 somethingish child get into the water and start swimming. Not a problem.

I walk on out and am immediately struck by the fact that the water feels pretty comfortable. Well that’s a plus. If I die, at least it will be in warm water. I make it past the white water when a larger set of waves comes but I’m now well positioned to avoid the mayhem and dive under them just before they break. I am out well past the surf without incident. It’s all good and I swim south.

Wow this water is comfortable. That heat wave ended a couple days ago but the air temps have still been nice - about 70. I’d say the water temperature is up a couple degrees since my last swim on Thursday. This is all very nice. As I make my way further south, the sky is beginning to clear. I can see small holes of blue sky expand and it is just beautiful here.

I’m in good spirits this morning. I had a delightful day with my son yesterday. We rode the bus (now that the trolleys are no longer running) which he loved. We went to the Harbor House Cafe which is a major accomplishment for him (sitting in a restaurant without wreaking complete havoc) and we went to the library and got ice cream and all of these stops preceded by a bus ride. It was a great time. I spent so many hours at the Harbor House in my late teens and early 20s. I’ve only been there a couple times since moving back here in 2019 but it is relatively unchanged. Most of the pictures on the walls are the same.

It was so nice to drop him off at his moms and not feel like I had said something ridiculous or terrible the whole day. I had this sort of epiphany last week after a challenging day with him. I realized that the majority of my frustration is not with him but with myself. When he starts acting up and gets out of control, I get pulled into this vortex of shame thinking that all of this behavior is my fault and is a reflection of my own failure and because he is acting like this that means I am a horrible dad and overall bad person. Then I get upset that I am in this situation and it starts to feel like the walls are closing in and I want to explode. As I realize this, I wonder what if I could eliminate the self-judgement? Forget about his behavior. If could just remove the self loathing, how would this change things? I begin to think that it could change things A LOT. I feel like I can choose not to judge myself. Then it occurs to me that maybe I could take this all another step further. Maybe I could also not judge him. He is a four year old child and his parents are getting a divorce and his world of having both parents always at his side together is forever changing. So I try to apply all of these learnings yesterday and things go pretty well. It wasn’t perfect by any means but everything seemed well within acceptable limits.

So I swim here with surf pounding inshore of me and it all feels ok and good and I am happy to be here and I know the swim to shore will go just fine like it has the last thousand times. These blue holes get larger and larger until the water is covered by mostly clear skies. There is still a bank of clouds that remains offhsore but that only makes things more interesting. I’m having these wonderful bird encounters. There are terns and cormorants and pelicans that all seem like good friends. They seem like good friends because they are good friends.

I pass by the lobster trap buoys and I think of the spiny lobster I ate Friday night. I came across a little extra money and it was Friday after all and only 4:30 and suddenly I felt like I must find a place that serves locally caught spiny lobster. I never order lobster. It’s just too expensive but tonight I will order lobster. And yes, it was expensive. But you know what? I enjoyed every second of my meal alone at Glasspar’s at the harbor and I still feel like it was worth every penny. I wonder if I actually swam over the trap that lobster that I ate was caught in. I’m also trying very hard not to get caught ruminating in the grim darkness of all of this. That poor lobster wandering about the ocean floor. Am I am a monster? Well to the lobster I think I certainly am.

I keep swimming and all is utterly beautiful here. The light hits the cliffs just below the Ritz in just the right way and it is exquisite. The lifeguard tower is like a beacon that shines bright white bove beautiful blue water. The houses above Salt creek reflect the misty rays of the sun and I feel like I am in some kind of a fairy tale.

Well it is time to end the swim. How will this all go down with the surf? I just keep telling myself this is not the North Shore. Even when it is big here, it is not particularly large in a global sense. I swim to shore and keep my third eye looking behind me. Soon I brush the sandy bottom with my finger tips and I know I am home free. I pause before standing and watch the next set of waves come in behind me. Now these are particularly large and I am happy I am where I am close to dry sand and can watch them in relative comfort. I watch surfers catching overhead waves and it all looks so benign and fun. It looks benign and fun because it is.