Unravelling

I’m out the door at about 9:15. I want to get out before anything blows up at work like it did yesterday. Yesterday I was just about to head out the door when a meeting was spontaneously scheduled for 11:00 to discuss several issues surrounding an upcoming product release I am involved with. It was a little after 9:00 and at first I thought if I stay razor focused and run to the water and run back to my car, I could probably make it back by 11:00. However probably was not going to cut it and even if I was back, I’d be wet and cold and not exactly “meeting ready.” Then after the meeting, it was clear that I had my work cut out for me and there would not only be no swim but no workout of any kind since I had to pickup my son late in the afternoon.

I don’t do well without some kind of daily workout. On the one hand I have recognized this for decades as a necessary part of my daily self-care routine. I used to struggle with depression in my late teens and early twenties and learned that if I consistently exercise and allocate some time towards prayer or meditation, it makes things better. I still have my off days but I know myself a lot more and understand better what I need to keep myself level. Still, there are going to be days when I just can’t get that exercise in. It rarely happens but it happens. So yesterday I am trying to pay extra attention to my thoughts and moods and observe just what these feelings are that seem to take over when I can’t get in that 60 minutes of aerobic activity. Well it’s pretty unpleasant. I feel like I am falling off of a cliff and my whole life is unravelling into some kind of uncontrollable mess. I watch this even as I know it’s not true. Of course it’s ridiculous. It’s like a false belief that I believe in my body but my mind considers it ludicrous. I almost wish it was the other way around. Would it be better to “feel” good but “know” my world is falling apart?

I try to understand where these thoughts come from and how I can eject them from my field of experience. I succeed in neither of these efforts. I don’t know where it comes from. I mean I have some guesses and I try to psycho analyze the possible sources but there are no aha moments here. And no I can’t get rid of the thoughts. I can’t find the magical switch that turns off the bad feelings even though I know they are totally ungrounded. Now despite the unpleasantness, I’m not a total wreck and I’m able to get through my day just fine and do the things I need to do. I wonder if this is a happy byproduct of regular meditation and, yes, swimming in the ocean, which I guess is meditation too. Through all of this, I know it will pass. It feels so permanent but I just know it isn’t. I know I have to keep my head up and just keep moving through the day and I will eventually get to the other side of this. This is how it is with everything.

Ok. Thanks for listening whoever you are. This was more for me than for you and I appreciate you coming along. So where was I? Oh yeah I was on my way to the beach and this time I make it. It’s a beautiful day just like yesterday was. A little on the cool side - still hasn’t reached 60 degrees yet, but there are no clouds in the sky and the water is blue - so very blue.

I park and head down the stairs and I know I’m going to get cold and really don’t care. Whatever I need to do to get myself in that water, I’m willing to do. I’m happy to be cold if that’s what it takes. I recognize that any feeling of the cold getting the better of me is an illusion just like those thoughts I had yesterday of my life unravelling. I know that once I am in the water, I’ll be on the other side of the veil and all will be well. It might be a bit challenging but it’s a challenge I welcome and enjoy.

The beach is absolutely lovely. The tide is low and the surf looks like it is down from my last swim. It’s all so calm and smooth. I get in and I swim north. Yes it feels cold and I feel a ice cream headache for the first few minutes of the swim before my body settles, but oh it feels good to be in the water. Every now and then I lift my head to look up ahead and I see Monarch point and it is beautiful in this morning light. I reach the point between the Strand and Salt Creek and there is a lone surfer sitting way outside and what looks to be beyond any breaking wave. I have to adjust my trajectory to swim to the outside of him. I’m tempted to swim inside but don’t want to risk the chance of that outside wave appearing just as I am crossing his path.

I keep swimming all the way to the mouth of the creek that empties into the ocean just short of the Monarch Bay Beach Club. Everything is so beautiful and peaceful here. Yeah it’s a little cold too but not that bad. I still don’t feel like I’m in the hypothermic zone. However it’s probably not far. It really does feel like every swim is just the tiniest bit colder than the last one. I suspect this will be the trend until the end of March if this year is like most (but not all). But hey! The end of March is only two months away. What terrible thing could possibly happen in just two months? I choose not to answer that question.

There is a seagull - I know…I know…there is “technically” no such thing as a seagull but this is not a technical blog. Anyways as I wade here I seem to drift closer and closer and it doesn’t seem to mind but I suspect it actually does. I’m able to look at it and it is beautiful. I really super enjoy being here with it. I’m sure I enjoy it way more than it is enjoying me and I do feel bad about that. I wish we could snuggle but I know that’s out of the question. It eventually flies away and I know it had had enough. I know it’s saying, “it’s not me, it’s you.” Alright time to get back to the swim and home to work and put out whatever fires may have popped up.