To Linger and Languish

I left a little before 9:30. It’s mostly overcast out but it feels like it is burning off. I can feel the warmth of the sun even though I cannot see it and there are a few splotches of blue tint in the sky here and there. So I’m hoping splotch turns to swath which will then turn into vast expanse.

At the beach things look like they may be turning a corner. I can see blue sky through the haze and I can swear I see some golden sunlight shining on the sand especially on the northern end of the beach. Well this decides what direction I am swimming today - north.

I get into the water and it is the same warm it has been for a couple weeks now and I do so appreciate this. I try to relax my mind because right now it is not relaxed. I wouldn’t say I’m in agonizing straits or anything but I’m just struggling with faith and how to move forward in various areas of my life. I am wrestling with action vs. non-action, surrender vs. taking responsibility, and allowing vs. “making it happen.” At what point does faith and surrender become magical thinking and when does effort become paddling against the stream or just flailing one’s arms and going nowhere? I don’t know.

I endeavor to enact change in various areas of my life. I feel overwhelmed with all the things that need to be done to bring said change about or I have no idea what those things are and become concerned that any step forward will be the wrong one or, at best, wasted effort. I feel like something deep inside invites me to surrender. I sense there is a better path and it’s already in front of me and I need to take some breaths to clear the haze and the “things to do” will appear when necessary. Well that’s a nice thought and all but what if it’s not? I become anxious that surrender is letting the world pass me by to linger and languish.

Perhaps this all speaks to the quality of my faith and shows how little I actually trust God (or whatever you want to call it) to provide for me. Maybe this is what all of this is about - learning to walk by faith. Maybe there is always going to be a struggle between action and non-action. It’s never going to go away. We live our lives exploring the tension like a Zen koan. There is no answer or proof pointing to one side or the other. We just continually polish the rosary beads. Wax on and wax off.

I try to remember those pivot points of the journey behind me in order to shine some light on the ones that may lie before me. That time I lived miserably in Costa Mesa struggling with what I was supposed to do with my life. I figured it was to finish my bachelors and not do what I really wanted to do and move to San Francisco. So I went to UCSB to study Religious Studies and I was even more miserable. The misery reached a crescendo and then I up and moved to San Francisco without a job. I applied to like 20 terrible jobs. There was one job that had some glimmer of corporate upward mobility and that was the one I got and it lead me on a path to what I do today which has been very lucrative and fulfilling. I was still miserable in San Francisco for about the first six months and then I seemingly randomly discovered mountain biking and it changed my life. It got me outside and out of my head. I became involved with the Zen Center and volunteered at a hospice and I was maybe the happiest I have been in my whole life.

That’s not the only example but it is perhaps the most vibrant one. So many(not all) of these events come to some crescendo of misery and then breakthrough almost miraculously into joy. I gave up on doing what I thought I was supposed to do - get a college degree - and did what my heart wanted to do instead. It wasn’t all roses at first but I just followed the bread crumbs placed in front of me and eventually I found my place. And this was during a time when I did not believe in faith or God or “The Universe.” Now I see how God was holding my hand the whole way.

It’s hard to believe in what you cannot see. Even if so many road signs seem to attest to the fact that something lies just around the bend. You round the bend and there just seems to be another bend. Did I make a wrong turn? Well I wonder if my intention is directed in the direction of faith in spite of how frustrating it can often be, is it even possible to make a wrong turn? The answer is just going to have to be I don’t know. Perhaps someone with stronger faith would know. However regardless of the fact that I do not know, I will continue to lean into faith. What the fuck else am I going to do? What other choice do I have? I think I believe strongly in faith and God even though I doubt the shit out of the outcome of every step forward.