Ping Pong Balls

I left at 9:30 this morning. Skies are mostly sunny with scattered and patterned clouds filling much of the sky. I think there is supposed to be a tropical storm incoming and this looks like it may be it. There is some rain possible this evening. It is very pleasant out and enough sun to feel it palpably on my skin.

The only thing I am a little concerned about is the approaching high tide. It’s about to reach 6.5 feet in about an hour and that will leave very little, if any, beach. The primary problem though is that pesky shore break that likes to crash right on the sand at high tide. However, the surf is now down to 1 to 2 feet so I’m not really worried too much about that. All in all I’d say we are good.

I get to the parking lot and there is plenty of blue sky over the water. The sun feels great as I walk down the stairs. There is not a whole lot of sand on the beach but plenty enough for my needs. The shore is like a lake with this tiny surf. I say hi to the hammer guy who is working out just by the lifeguard station that will remain abandoned until next Spring. I walk to my usual spot and get in the water. The steep grade of the sand here takes me from knee to shoulder high water pretty quickly. I start to swim north.

The water feels cool but I experience the magical two degree bump once I am about 50 feet out. It’s still on the cool side but not uncomfortable. It’s just a matter of time before we lose this warmish water. You just never know when it will turn. Most years it is mid-November but there are no guarantees. The 2023/2024 winter remained above 60 most weeks. Well I will relish in the warmth of every swim for as long as I can.

There is a good amount of bump on the water right now. There is a 6 knot northwest wind which puts me right against the current. I can feel the wakes hit my face as I come up for air. It takes a few minutes to get into a rhythm. I feel sort of out of breath and disoriented to begin but I know the routine. Everything is about to sync up soon here in just a bit.

I really enjoy looking at the blue sky over the horizon and the patterns of white clouds painted just above. It is so good to be out here. I feel just a little out of sorts on the insides today and this water is a soothing balm over my rough edges. It just feels like this is where I should be. I stare at the soft blue beneath the surface that surrounds me and holds me afloat. I watch shadows of rock and kelp pass below as I move forward.

It seems as though the light is getting more and more dim as I move slowly north. There are more clouds gathering and coalesing above me. It’s fine because it is all so beautiful. I pass the lifeguard tower and there is a whole other beach on the other side. The Monarch Bay Beach club looks so small and far away, but that is exactly where I am heading to. I’ll be there before I know it - probably in about 20 to 25 minutes. Then the return trip should go faster with the current pushing me.

I’m thinking about my life and hoping I am heading in the right trajectory. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it. My family is falling apart and I can only wonder if it is all my fault. I know there is a school of thought out there that believes that it is. I’m honestly heading in the only direction that feels reasonably available to me. Sometimes there is no easy, idyllic route ahead and you just have to choose the safest path available. Are my kids getting all they need? Do they feel loved and safe? I know this divorce must be hard and likely harder than they let on.

I hear my ex-wife’s voice echoing in my mind. I gather together an ensemble of choice words and phrases and throw them like ping pong balls bouncing eternally in a small confined room. My mind finds it easy to believe all of these words. I know some are true and some are just complicated. Their bouncing creates a din that obscures my ability to see clearly. All I can do is keep moving forward and try to right the wrongs that I paved for decades. I know there is another story that I can’t completely see but I nonetheless choose to believe.

I can see that story playing itself out in a thin line of cloud just over the northern edge of the sky. The clouds form shapes that I can’t make out but I know they hide something real. I’ll just keep looking out that way until their their shapes become more solid. I’m getting closer and closer and the cloud will soon fall like rain to stay here just for a little while before evaporating back into the atmosphere and then return to cast another story onto the sky. I’ll keep watching.