Jesus

Two words for today’s swim. Oh Wow! I feel like I could pretty much call that a post and end it here except for the fact that I took almost 80 pictures and if I finish here then I can only include two and that’s just not going to work for me. Also, today is one of the rare days I actually have time to write and edit photos. So I might just need to do some sort of blogging style filibustering here to draw this out.

I had another early start today - leaving my apartment at 6:15. I feel silly but I get self conscious saying “apartment.” Many many fine and great and excellent people live in apartments. In fact, let’s just say “nearly all” because that’s how I want to see the world. Until December of last year, I lived in a house for the last 25 years. Also, I currently own two homes. So it’s not like I don’t own land. One is for sale. If you are looking to move to Riverside, reading this post may just be the synchronicity you are looking for!

I will say apartment life has it’s perks. I like the peace of mind knowing that I’m not on the hook for major repairs. If I want to move, I just move. Until June, I lived by myself in a studio apartment. It was a stand alone flat in Capo Beach and if I did not have kids that needed parental supervision, I think I could have lived there forever. Now I live in a two bedroom upstairs unit and am discovering that when my four year old is over, the downstairs neighbors hear every foot step - not such a perk. Oh well, I will own again and if it is a condo, I’ll try to make sure no one is beneath me.

Ok. I swear I’m going to get to the swim but I just had an experience I want to share somewhere and here is just as good of a place as any mainly because I have no idea where else I would share it. I was at church. We don’t have a singing or typical musical worship period in the service. Instead we meditate. This probably explains why it is such a small church. Anyways the leader, Chuck Smith Jr., suggests that with each breath during the meditation, we inwardly repeat the name of Jesus. My immediate reaction is “I’m not going to do that.” I started meditating in the 90’s in a Zen Buddhist environment. Zen is extremely minimal in meditation style. There is no inner visualization or mantras or reciting of names. I can’t be bothered with names or words or other such frivolous activity.

At that moment I had a sort of epiphany. I am uncomfortable with Jesus. That in itself is not so much of an epiphany. I know this. On one level - the level of my rational “please don’t ask me to do or believe anything weird” self, Jesus baffles me. The thought of Jesus just brings up a smorgasbord of uncomfortable scenarios from my past where I believed the entire world fell into one of two camps - saved and unsaved. At the time, the former (saved) group seemed like the larger and “correct” group. Jesus was our mascot. Of course we knew that there were others outside of our group who also believed in Jesus, but if they believed differently than us then they were believing in the wrong Jesus and were actually, unbeknownst to them, following Satan. You may have heard of Satan. If not, google him.

I never ever ever want to subscribe to that kind of mindset again. This was one thing that made Zen Buddhism so appealing. Guess what, the word Jesus is rarely, but not never, mentioned in Zen circles. That all said, I have of late grown in fondness to the idea of Jesus. This fondness is hard to talk about. It’s not something I can discuss in a rational or intellectual manner. It is a feeling I have at a visceral level. It is something that resonates in my heart. It is extremely compelling and sometimes intoxicating. Jesus appeals to a different side of myself from the one that finds him baffling and weird.

So far none of these realizations are new to me. But when I catch myself saying to myself (lots of selves at play here I know) that I’m not going to be saying the name of Jesus because it is weird, it dawns on me that the part of me that is attracted to Jesus is the part that I want to connect more with. That part of me does not see him as weird because that part of myself is not hung up on dogma or heresy. That part is not looking at the world and parsing out all the different compartments or correct and incorrect. That part just wants to find connection in my heart with the source of all things and I think Jesus is the gateway drug to that source. I don’t know why and I don’t care. I have recently come to know what it feels like when my heart expands and I see Jesus as an agent of expansion and I want more of that. Suffice it to say I went ahead and repeated the word Jesus in this morning’s meditation.

Ok. We really are talking about swimming here. I mean after all where does the act of swimming actually begin and end. Just because I get out of the water doesn’t mean that I stop swimming. I am surrounded by water constantly and doing my best not to drown and instead glide forward with some amount of grace.

Alright here we go. The morning was stellar. STELLAR. When I opened my blinds a little after 5:00 and it was still dark, I could see a star in the sky which alerts me to the fact that the sky is clear. So my excitement begins. As I am driving to the beach before 6:30, it is that time of day when I’m not sure whether to turn on my headlights or not. I don’t. I choose to live in a world of light where headlights are unnecessary. Maybe I shouldn’t be driving at night. Please don’t judge.

The sky is mostly blue but to the east there are these patterns of small white clouds dotting the sky and it looks super cool and magical. I’m wondering if I will be able to see these patterns from the water because as I look ahead on the descent from Golden Lantern to Selva at the ocean beyond the harbor, the sky looks more plain with a muted, but lovely pink haze sitting on the horizon.

I get to the sleepy parking lot and park in my favorite spot nearest the bathrooms and the top of the stairs. I get out of my car and I am delighted to see those cloud patterns bordering the southern end of the beach. Even without those clouds, this entire place is lit up in beauty. The sky progresses from pink to fuzzy white to deep blue as your eye starts at the horizon and proceeds directly above. Once I’m on the shore, the sand is covered with an ever so light hazy vapor that catches the light and freezes it in time as if every photon decided there was no need to move any further. I too have this same question.

Yesterday’s lifeguard staff had forgotten to remove the day’s placard reporting current conditions. It says the water is 70 degrees. Sounds good to me! Lets hop on in. I decide to walk and not hop. There are others here and I don’t want to cause a scene that would distract from the one that is already here.

Water is nice - no doubt about it. The sun is still hidden behind the bluff so when I put my face under the water, it’s all pretty dark. This has the benefit of me not being blinded as I head south. If I had started just 20 minutes later, the sun would be above the edge and then it is difficult to see anything beyond the glare.

The entire swim is like watching a movie where the protagonist and lead character is the sun. You can’t watch this movie and not be rooting for the sun. As every minute passes on my way south, the sky is transformed. Soon it looks like there is a fire blazing somewhere in the not so distant eastern distance. Is there someone I should call? Do others know about this?

Just as I get to the south end of the beach the sun crests the Dana Point headlands. That looming fire explodes. I turn around and head north and now I am staring at that narcotic pink horizon. I could just melt right into it. About 10 minutes up the beach I come across a kelp tree. Its leaves catch the light just right and it’s all electric. I decide to dive down close to the ocean floor so I can get a view of the kelp from below looking up toward the sun but protected by the water. I do this and it does not disappoint. Salt water enters my nose and I actually like this. It arouses a sense memory that brings back some of my best memories of childhood - riding waves and being tossed in the water.

I continue north and I am getting close to my northern turnaround point. I see these small bubbles just in front of me and wonder what in the world is this coming from. I lift my head and there is a group of swimmers literally inches away from me. I have to laugh about this and it also amuses me that they never see me. I wade here and just stare at the group and then decide to try and catch up with them. I know that each one of them is in their own little self-contained world and I am invisible. Oh if only I could figure out how to cloak myself like this when on land.

Soon I’m near lifeguard tower zero below the Ritz. I stop and a Cormorant buzzes southward. Everything in front of me right now is exquisite. I don’t want this to end, but I’m sure the clock has not stopped and I have places to go. So I turn around for the last time and head back to where I started.

I finish the swim, swimming until I can feel my fingers brush against the sand. I roll onto my back and my but rests on the floor. I just sit here with the water at my shoulders as a set of waves come in. I stare at the waves as they literally break just in front of my face and then lean back and loosen my body as they roll over me. It’s great.

I walk up the stairs now reflecting on how this swim totally exceeded expectations and unbeknownst to me I head towards my eventual rendezvous with Jesus.