Is That Normal?

Aaaaaand back to amazing, dreamy, sunny summertime fantasy beach days. Another day that I was not planning on swimming but one look at the web cam and it’s like I blink and here I am at the beach. The conditions are just too perfect NOT to go. I left just a little after 10:00. At the light at Golden Lantern and Stonehill, John Kucera pulls up next to me and we exchange words until the light turns green.

I get to the beach parking lot and everything looks just as I had fantasized back in February. Sometimes it just takes a few months for those fantasies to manifest themselves. Well it’s here now. The air is super warm and the sky and ocean are matching shades of blue. Ok, maybe not a complete match but close enough. They both look great. I can feel the rays of the sun penetrating my skin and intersecting with my heart. All is good here.

I reach the shore and make my way to the water. So good. I walk out past the small surf and lean forward until I am horizontal and gliding over the surface. I am heading north today. The water is still warm.

So I can’t completely explain this but I have had this song playing in my head all morning long. It’s called Calling You Home by Samart who I am 99.9% sure you have not heard of. The song is like a lullaby and has this sort of hypnotic hold over my thoughts. I don’t want the song to stop. The experience of this song is more than just lyrics and melody. It’s a vibrational resonance. It’s like a deep cord played on an instrument and you can feel it reverberate through you. I don’t want to get all freaky new agey here but I don’t know how else to describe it.

So I swim in this beautiful water amidst a pure blue sky and cliffs nearly all around except for that expanse of forever to the west. The swim feels nearly effortless today. I can’t think of anywhere else I would rather be and I can hardly believe I am here. How is it that my life arranged itself in such a way to put me in this place in the middle of a work day. Is that normal? I don’t think that it is because as I take a look around me, I don’t see anyone else.

For the past month, I have been haunted by this strong feeling that I sit on the cusp of change. The song in my head sems to resonate with and support that feeling. I find this feeling tremendously exciting, hopeful and incredibly annoying all at the same time. Annoying because I feel like I am going crazy. I have no evidence for this impending change. I mean in a way I do because I have experienced more change in the last 8 months than I have in decades. My divorce is nearly finalized, I have moved twice, and my dad passed away. However I don’t think things are stopping there. I don’t know. I don’t want my head to get lost in the clouds but I feel like I need to investigate these feelings and treat them with some respect.

So as I swim I feel like I am breaching a barrier into a new self. I have a sort of rough definition of this self but some of the edges are still too soft to trace. All I can do is look out onto this beautiful landscape around me and breathe it all in. What is coming? I have some ideas but absolutely no certainty. I do know these are good things. I know that.