I Don’t Like To Be Scared

Trying to get more time in the water today before the surf gets bigger than I like. That threshold seems to get smaller over time. You’d think it would get bigger. However, I find that with every negative experience I have in swimming past the surf, my tolerance for these experiences drops, and I find that I’d just prefer not to deal with the stress. I admit that I do not like this pattern. I want to learn to overcome my fears as long as I am not subjecting myself to unacceptably high danger.

These days, once the surf goes overhead, I’d prefer not to participate. I have swam in overhead surf many many times. Almost all of those times went just fine. But there are those couple times that didn’t. Then again…actually…they did. I didn’t drown - not even close. I just got scared. I don’t like to be scared.

Part of me feels like this is another one of those areas where swimming becomes a metaphor of my life. My mind blows the surf out of proportion similar to how I do the same for times of hardship in everyday life. I feel like if I could manage to relax my mind and body when the surf gets larger, I would find that the waves will pass and everything will be fine. Now if the surf is 10 feet, I might pass but 6 foot surf should be quite ok. Same principle applies to life in general, I imagine things to be far more terrible than they actually are and this creates anxiety that actually makes things more terrible. If I can relax and just let those thoughts of terrible, but imaginary, outcomes drift out of my consciousness, life will be much better.

Here is the thing that makes this a little tricky. Surf size and force is not an exact science or entirely predictable. A big reason why I am more hesitant to enter the water when the surf report states 4-6 feet is that the reports are often wrong. That can mean that 4-6 actually is 2-3 or 6-8. Also, sometimes that rouge set comes in that is anomalously larger than all the others. There is no way to predict all of this. That all said, over the years this has all become a little easier for me to forecast. First, Surfline now has this “smart cam” technology that actually measures wave size in real time. This isn’t perfect but it’s good enough to give a sense of when the forecast models differ from reality. Second, I find if you read the reports every day, you get a sense of when the big swells are coming and when they are building as opposed to fading. I prefer to swim in larger surf that is fading as opposed to building.

So I’ll just keep widdling away at this. It’s not one of those dilemmas I really want to struggle with. I love to swim in the ocean and I don’t want to spoil it or make it unduly stressful. There is no prize for me to win by entering larger surf other than the opportunity to swim more, which is a pretty good prize but I feel like I manage to get my fill.

I leave at 7:00 to try and get my swim in early and before my 9:00 meeting. Surf is building today and the earlier I get in, the better. It’s well within my limits right now. Could those larger sets appear sooner than later? Of course. Could some crazy 10 foot wave show up out of the blue? Yes but highly unlikely. I’m not going to cower here in my apartment overthinking this. I’m going to just get in that water and it is going to be good.

It’s another overcast morning and I get to the beach. The tide is low and the water looks calm. A set of waves show up just as I am walking out into the water and it’s just fine. I swim under and past these waves and then head south. The water is nice. From out here well past the surf, everything is dead calm.

The color of the water reflects the color of the grey sky and it can be difficult to tell where that seam is between the ocean and sky. Of course I am swimming right on top of it so you would think it would be obvious. As I swim past the bright orange buoy that was put out here just last week, I catch a glimpse of it as I turn my neck to breath and it looks like it is floating in the air. I stop to take a second look and of course I find it is floating on water that just looks very much like sky.

I can see good sized surf both out at the point in front of the Ritz and south near the main surf breaks at Strands. Nothing crazy big right now but big enough to raise my heartbeat as I finish my swim and head in to shore. I time this well and I’m just swimming through very bouncy white water until I feel my fingers touching the sandy bottom below me. I pop up to my feet and it feels good to be alive.