Forgetting Myself

Ahhhh Sundays. My favorite. There is something so pleasurable about writing these posts when I know I don’t have to work. I always like to get the text part of the post done as soon as possible after the swim while the experience is fresh in my mind. During the week, I feel rushed to get it done so I can attend to my job. You know, the one that feeds me. So there is a certain luxuriousness in writing this knowing that no one is waiting on me to finish.

We’ve had quite the string of warm days here in Dana Point which translates to hot days if you live any further from the coast. Of course many will argue that it is hot here too but I can’t use that word in good conscience. I am very appreciative of what this is all doing for the water temperature. It’s literally rising a degree a day the past few days. I wake up at about 5:30 this morning and check the buoy data shortly thereafter - 67 degrees. So crazy for March. That’s getting down right near to cozy.

I’m curious what the cloud/fog situation will be like once it gets light enough to see. Yesterday afternoon was so warm. I was opening up all sorts of windows in my apartment because I’m too cheap to run the air conditioner. Then at about 4 or 5, the fog starts rolling in and the temperature begins to drop almost immediately. While it is still dark now before dawn, I take heart in the fact that I can at least see whitewater on the webcams which means no fog - yet.

Eventually dawn breaks. It always does. We have full cloud coverage but no fog. This is fine. I’ve had so many bright sunny swims, I could stand some clouds. And besides, the water is 67 degrees! It may look cold out there (which it really isn’t - it’s over 60) but the water will feel warm I know.

I play a little piano just before leaving. I like to do this because it literally programs my brain to play it over the entire coarse of the swim which I enjoy. I even record it and play the recording on the drive to the beach. I listen to notes that resonate with my heart and then suddenly I can tell as I hit notes that I did not intend. To anyone else it probably sounds fine, but I know I would have liked it to come out a different way. I am getting better. More and more often I hit the key on the keyboard that makes the sound I envisioned in my head milliseconds before hand. I believe I just need to keep playing every day and this will happen with more and more consistency. I have several pieces that I play again and again and again. I don’t really memorize them. Rather there are just certain chords and motifs that I memorize but the primary melody is very dynamic and spontaneous and can differ every time I play it.

Music is the one thing that brings me closest to ecstasy. There is so much firing inside my mind as I am playing. I try to hear and anticipate the next note to be played and this anticipation rests on multiple fingers at once. Often my left hand is in near cruise control playing specific chords or repeating individual keys of a chord but my right hand is total improvisation following the lead of the more predictable left hand. This whole act gives me so much pleasure and sometimes some frustration too. Sometimes I just don’t seem capable of mechanically getting my fingers to play the notes in my heart. I’d love to find a teacher who could help. I’m really not interested in learning to read music or becoming expert in musical notation. I want to learn how to improvise more freely. I often wonder, is this about gaining more talent or is it about of letting go of some false expectation. Maybe it is about forgetting myself. The more I can forget, the freer my hands can be since their is less for them to need to hold on to.

Anyways, I get to the parking lot at about 8:40. It’s as grey as can be. I can see the Sunday morning swimmers at their cars winding down from their swim. I’m tempted to say hi but I really just want to get down into the water so that’s what I do. I’m trying to become more social and I realize this is not earning me points.

As I walk down the stairs, there is this guy talking on his phone behind me and the conversation pretty much dominates the background noise. I am trying not to listen but it is very difficult not to. Then heading down the final asphalt stretch, someone else is walking up and speaking in a lively manner to what looks like absolutely no one. It’s so hard to tell these days if someone is absolutely nuts or having an actual conversation with a real person that is not visible to me. I remember we used to make fun of these people and think of them as a little off but it’s becoming more and more normal. I’m sure I have been guilty of this in the past but I generally try not to use the “phone” app on my phone if I can at all help it.

Well here I am on the beach. All looks well. Because it is. I am convinced of this. All is well. All is always well. It might not actually seem like it, but whatever is happening is happening for us and not to us. I do know that if everyone got this, there would be far less suffering in the world. However there will always be suffering in the world. I mean try to imagine your life without suffering. Seriously try to imagine the person you would be. It would not be the same and life would seem…well…lifeless.

I start to walk into the water. It’s fairly comfortable out despite the lack of sunshine and the water feels cool but very forgiving. There is a foreshadowing in the temperature of good things to come. Waves break in front of me and spay me with water that startles a bit at first but in no time I am ready to swim and the plunge feels hardly noticeable. I swim north today mainly because I know I have plenty of time and the northern route is a bit longer than my south bound swim.

I feel like I am swimming in some sort of black and white movie. I know there are hints of color here and there but one needs to pay attention to notice. I get to the Ritz and look behind me to find a cormorant flying right for me. I race to grab my camera and I am pretty sure I got a clear shot. Nice.

Just a little further up the beach I spot this odd lump on the water and I am wondering what it is. It’s not kelp. Not a lobster buoy (lobster season ended on Wednesday). Oh it’s a pelican. Interesting. It’s not sitting in its usual upright posture. Its head and neck are reclined into its body. I hope it’s ok and assume that it is.

I keep swimming north and as I intended, that piano piece is playing in my head non stop. I can almost hear lyrics in the background but I just can’t make out individual words, but I can decipher a rhythm of syllables and rhyme. I’d really like to be a better lyricist but I just can’t seem to get myself to do it. I enjoy writing but my talents of music and prose refuse to be wed. Being newly divorced I can’t say that I blame them. But man, I would really like to be able to catch those words. There is definitely a song here and I want to sing it.

Maybe if I stop trying to hear the words, then they will become audible. I stretch to grab hold of this thing that can only be touched if I keep my hands to my sides. I see this phenomenon all around me. I want this. I yearn for that. I chase and I push and before I know it my flailing arms and legs have simply dug an empty hole in the ground. How do I let go of the yearning? How do I accept what is around me? And you know what? It’s not bad at all - this stuff I see around me. I have a good life. I imagine that it is another life that I want. The life that I have is the only life that can become better and I believe it can become better. The life that I have knows best what it needs. That life that I imagine has no idea. The irony is that I also believe in the imagination and I believe in setting an intent to become something that looks different from what is. I also believe all of these ideas can paradoxically coexist and deserve to be cultivated.

So I reach my northern goal of the Monarch Bay Beach Club. I swim back and try to notice everything happening around my skin. What I notice the most is that I am truly comfortable. I’m not cold. This is nice. I pass a fisherman in a sort of solo kayak-like vessel. I’ve been eyeing him almost the entire swim at a distance and then BAM here he is right in front of me. I ask him if he is catching much. He says he is - Calico Bass, Halibut, and Sea Bass. Sounds yummy.

I keep swimming back south and as I cross the point into Strands Beach, a bird (moving too fast to identify) flies right past my head and I can hear its wings. I grab my camera and take a shot which I thought I got but I don’t see it in the images I downloaded. It doesn’t surprise me. I try my best and sometimes the shot just wasn’t meant to be had.

I finish up the swim and the clouds are just starting to break apart. I can see glimpses of clear sky just inland of the bluff but not enough to bring the light and color levels up much but enough to know that it’s going to happen - probably not before I am gone but it will happen.