Down Into My Deepest Insides

I left a little after 8:30 and it’s typical cloudy morning skies. I’m excited to get in the water since I have not been in a few days. Just too much going on and the surf was up a bit too. I’m especially delighted not to be on the elliptical machine today. Oh my god. It’s just going to be great to be in the water. Looking at the buoys this morning, the water temps are about 70. None of the buoys were lower than 70 - that’s a first for the season. I like it.

As I walk down the stairs toward the beach, I can see the waves building as they come to shore. There is still swell leftover. There are no surfers out here but there is a pretty good crowd from what I can tell in the distance down at Salt Creek in front of the point. The water has a bit of bump and it looks pretty darn dark and dreary. That is until I put my feet in the water. Is that liquid sunshine on my feet? Because it feels like summer on my feet.

So the next logical step is to get my whole body in the water. I walk into the shallows and push through the white water. I let a few waves break and pass and then I dive in and head west. This is indeed delightful. Once I’m well past the breaking waves, I’m noticing that I don’t think this water feels any colder than the pool in my apartment complex (though I’m sure it is). It feels great. I have to pause and take in the view and just let this feeling soak in all the way down into my deepest insides.

I’m heading north since I have not been up this way in at least a week and I have time this morning. I can feel the current moving in my direction and I’m wondering what the swim back will be like. For all I care it could be like swimming through a gale, but I’m sure it will be nothing like that. This all feels so easy right now. I have warm water pushing me forward. Can I even call this exercise?

It doesn’t take long to reach the group of surfers out in front of the Ritz. There is a good sized group out here. The waves are breaking fairly far out and I’m pretty close to the surfers. Most have full wetsuits on and I can’t even imagine being in a wetsuit right now. I linger right here just a bit.

I’m pushing forward towards the Monarch Bay Beach Club. It looks so far away but before I know it I’m here and it is right in front of me. There are scattered bits of seaweed debris floating on the surface. There are some commercial vessels just offshore of me. I see a crowd of small dark stick figures standing on the deck. I turn around and head back south. Almost immediately I can feel the force of the current against me now. However I can also see the vines of kelp below the water pass beneath me in the right direction indicating that I am indeed making forward progress. So I know that in time, I will reach my destination. Also, this has never NOT happened.

The return trip from the north end is always my favorite stretch of this swim because I can just rest my eyes on the beach and the bluff and the trees and houses and brush and sand and concrete and somehow that all gives me peace and solace. It all looks a little far away but well enough within reach. It’s just far enough to give me a comfortable amount of open space but close enough for me to feel grounded to home and my fellow humans.

I’m thinking of the things I need to do as I make my way back to The Strand. Not the minutiae of things I need to do today but the larger things I need to get done for me and my kids in the coming weeks and months. Some of these things seem large and impossible. I know they are possible. I’m trying to create a new life. In many ways, things are coming along just as I’d hoped and in some ways beyond my expectations. There are still loose ends that need to be secured and tied down and right now they are flailing in the wind and threatening to knock out the surrounding structures. Somehow I feel guided. I feel unalone. Dad are you there? I feel my dad all around this place. I sure could use his help. I could use his confidence and his ability to plot a path forward in the ways of this world and get from point A to B. My dad was good at that and good at helping others to do that. So many times I resisted this help, but he’s on the other side now. I know he has a much wider field of vision than I have now or than he had while on this earth. He is untethered.

Well here I am, ready to swim to shore. It’s almost always the scariest part of the swim. I have a little anxiety today but not a lot. A good sized set of waves passes by and I’m just on the other side of the break. I enjoy watching them start to crumble down the beach and passing over me. I watch them from below the surface and can see the back sides of their silver faces as they curl over. I follow them after they pass, and in a couple minutes I’m walking with my feet on the beach.