Crack in the Clouds
Wow I can’t believe it has been this long since I have swam. I got busy with other stuff and running is always the quicker workout option especially when you eliminate the photo editing which I can’t seem to get myself to not do and then my wife got sick and I needed to take care of our four year old son who is not quite up to open water swimming yet. So I told myself that today I was getting in the water no matter what. I was starting to get that feeling before you get sick this morning where you are not really sure what directions things are going to go. So the thought did cross my mind to cancel the swim but I’m not going to let a thought stop me. I’m just going to aim myself in the direction of the water and eventually I’ll be completely wet and will have no choice but to swim.
That’s pretty much how it all went down. I’d get these feelings and wonder “was that a chill?” or “was that an ache?” I don’t know but let’s just put a pin in it for now and revisit after the swim. So I put on my swim trunks. I walked to my car. I got in the car. I started the engine. I drove to the beach. I got out of the car. I walked down the stairs. I set down my pack. I took off my shirt and grabbed my goggles and walked to the water and just kept walking until I could no longer walk and had to swim.
It’s completely overcast and a bit on the dreary side but this water feels good. It’s clearly warmer than my last swim - probably 61ish. My body takes to the water and whatever I felt before that felt like under the weatherness, I no longer feel. Although the sky is completely clouded over, there is this sort of crack in the clouds just beneath the sun. It seems like it wants to give way but so far it is not budging.
I am heading south and there are some waves large enough to try and avoid so I keep my distance from the shore break. The tide is quite low and when I get to the south end I can see many many rocks unsubmerged and some standing quite tall. I am not able to put my feet on the floor here so maybe the sandbar that had accumulated here a couple weeks ago is beginning to subside. I also don’t feel like anything is going to break right here. It is a beautiful 360 degree view. I still see that crack in the clouds but it is still just a crack and if anything it is shrinking.
I head back north and the light just seems to get darker but that’s ok. I’m heading against the wind now which is coming gently from the north west and putting just a little texture on the surface. I wonder just how much water am I drinking. It feels like just about every other breath, I take something in. It’s got to add up to a fair amount.
I don’t really want to stop but as I gaze ahead to judge my trajectory, I see the cliff face at the north end of the beach and something about it speaks to me and I have to pause and take a picture. Then I see a Cormorant flying over the water a ways in front of me and I have to take a picture of that too.
The water is cool but not cold enough where it creeps into the cracks of the core of my very being and slowly eats away at my ability to coherently absorb my experience. I’m perfectly lucid. Yet I completely forget who I am. It’s not a conscious forgetfulness like, “oh my god, who am I?” Rather, it’s just not something I think about or am concerned at all with. This is refreshing because I am so done with myself these last few days. I definitely need a break from Matt Wrock.
Out here I am just this body making my way down the beach in this water as I hold a fleeting awareness of my immediate surroundings which are pretty darn nice.
