All the Empty Spaces
I left a little after 9:15 and it is sunny and warm out. There is a fair amount of haze lingering offshore and especially to the south but it definitely maintains a generally sunny demeanor up and down the beach. Wow there are a lot of people here. It’s been a good while since I have seen so many people at the beach and it’s not even 10:00 yet. I’d say there are more than there was on the 4th of July for sure. There are still plenty of spaces but things are filling up fast here in the parking lot. The stairs are like rush hour traffic.
Surf is up a bit more today and once I am on the shore, I can see some decent sized waves rolling into the point at Salt Creek. It is up a notch here too but Salt Creek looks like it is where the action is right now. I take my usual pictures of the north and southern view of the beach. I rarely post these lately but it’s just become habit and part of my routine to take them. I much prefer to post pictures actually taken from the water than the sand, but sometimes the light and sand and water do magical things or there is a bird that shows up and I feel compelled to post the beach pics.
I start to walk into the water and a set of waves appear. I decide to make a run for it rather than wait and I dive beneath the first wave just after it breaks and then I do the same on the next one. Then that’s it. I’m past the surf and decide to head north again today since I’m not in any hurry.
There is some bump on the water, but it is unclear which direction the current is flowing. I really can’t tell if I am swimming with or against it. Either way, it’s good. As I settle into the swim, I realize I am very much pushing against the current of my thoughts. I’m inclined not to talk about this here. I feel like the last several posts have been filled way too much with my inner turmoil. Am I beginning to sound like a broken record? Should I change the name of this blog to wrestlingwiththoughts.com. I’m not even going to check if that domain is available. It’s a horrible name. Well since the reality is that maybe three people will read this, I hardly think I am performing some kind of a global disservice here. To those three readers, consider yourself warned and just look at the pictures if this all gets too cringy. You probably already have. Smart move.
Ok now I’m not sure I even remember what it was I was going to write about. Oh yeah…So there is this thing I feel like I should probably do. I’m not going to say what that thing is because it’s too awkward to mention. Anyways, I really want to do this thing but I am terrified. It is something that takes me way out of my comfort zone. Let’s just say it is something of a social nature and being a hermit, I feel totally clueless when I have to take any kind of social action. I have no idea what the rules are and I irrationally assume they are not in my favor. The easiest thing would be to just creep back into my shell and follow my tried and tested patterns. That has not proven to work well for me.
Whenever I start thinking about this, which is every day lately, I just feel overwhelmed. I feel this especially today before the swim. So here I am in the water and I just want to swim and not run around in circles in my head digging a deeper hole for myself. I decide to just swim. Just swim. My thoughts will come and go. I’m not going to try to stop them. If they make me anxious, then I’ll swim with the anxiety. I won’t follow it because I already have a predetermined route here in the water and can’t afford to get lost. I’ll just let the anxiety run through me and give it some space while I swim and look at the horizon and the surf and the birds.
I think of surrender and what that means. Does surrender mean to just not do the thing I want to do? Let the universe take over? I don’t necessarily think so. I can’t really explain what surrender is. I’d probably be better off if I could. Right now surrender seems more like a color or a smell than something I do. It’s a color or smell I choose to get lost in and I let it fill in all the empty spaces inside of me. The spaces between anxiety and excitement and fear and hope. There is a lot of space to fill.
I get to the Ritz and I am further out than usual. I’m sure this is because of the larger surf and I’m allowing a larger buffer between me and the breaking waves. I can see the surfers in the inshore distance popping up from beneath the white water after a wave has broken over them. I keep moving north. I swim about the same distance as yesterday - all the way to the Monarch Bay beach club. The water is a little cooler today. Actually it’s mostly the same but there are cold spots that chill me and then give way to warmth.
I feel the anxiety pulsating below my consciousness, but I choose not to allow it to steal my focus. I see the horizon, I see the beach club, I see the waves breaking way south of me. I feel the water over every inch of my skin. I hear the air coming out of my nose and mouth and into the water. These are all good things and I am so grateful for them.
I head back south and as I come up for a breath I see a large flock of pelicans passing right on top of me. I reach for my camera and look back at them. There is just this huge line of birds spread out over the water. I continue towards the main Salt Creek point break. Waves are breaking far out and I am nearly parallel to where they are curling over just about 50 feet to my south. I watch the surfers compete for the ride. There are a lot of them here today. I aim myself to get further west and continue towards the finish.
Soon I’m done. Seems like I don’t have to contend with any breaking waves as I reach the shore. Nice timing. I’m not in the mood for a walk today. Maybe it’s the crowds. I head straight up the busy stairs. I shower off and must say that I don’t feel as grimey as I have felt the last couple weeks. It’s been super odd. The water feels extra salty lately, but today not so much and I hope this is a trend that continues.
